THIS PAST WEEKEND, while we whiled away the hours during Shabbat, my husband and I sorted through one of our memory boxes filled with letters and cards. I came across a lengthy letter I wrote to him in our early days, scrawled in quick, inspired handwriting. In it, I wrote that I love writing because I feel the written word has the power to move someone, and make them think, feel or act.
It’s been over six years since I wrote that letter and those words. But to this day, it still remains one of the core reasons why I love to write. Because layered between the lines, there can be messages for readers to take away with them — of hope, struggle, life and humanity. In my writing, I hope to share my voice with the world, so that someone, somewhere, may chance upon the lines like a treasure, unpacking them with their mind, as they realise they are not alone.
I started this blog with the same intentions — to communicate my thoughts and perspective on life in as open and honest a way I knew how. It’s not always easy baring my soul in public. But my instinct tells me it’s necessary, because there are people I can reach through my writing, things I can communicate in ways I wasn’t previously able to.
Like everyone, I have a vault of life stories tucked away somewhere. Slowly, I’d like to begin to uncover them, dust them off and air them out for all to see, and in the process, begin to free myself, too.
JUST OVER A WEEK AGO, I found out that I am a carrier of a BRCA gene variant.
Practically, this means I have a higher chance of developing breast or ovarian cancer in my lifetime. It doesn’t mean I will develop either breast or ovarian cancer, but it does greatly increase the risk factor. In Ashkenazi Jews, the carrier rate for this is 1:40, compared to 1:500 in the general population.
With knowledge comes power. If you aren’t aware of something like this, you can never screen for it properly. Understanding that I was born with this gene variant removes some of the what-if’s and guilt I would otherwise feel. But hearing this information shocked me right out of Covid land and into a different land altogether, a land where things felt heavier, more important.
I’ve settled into this knowledge the way one might settle into a dentist’s chair — bracing myself with anticipation and anxiety. It feels like swallowing a tiny bone, or witnessing the split second where a car narrowly misses another car. It feels scary, I’m not going to lie.
“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear,”
-Robert Ludlum
But — and here’s a big one, it has painted my world with perspective. Life is precious. There are many beautiful things, and just as many difficult things. Life is fraught with uncertainty. But it is also filled with an abundance of joy, laughter, happiness and sunshine. And it’s in the very times that we can acknowledge the difficult aspects of life that we are able to fully appreciate the joyful ones.
Life is about everything, it’s a bit of this and a bit of that. It’s a parcel, a gift, bundled up and tied with ribbon. We may not be able to choose the gift we receive, but it’s given to us on a silver platter, ready and waiting. It feels solid when you hold it, and when you unwrap it — that’s when you really begin to uncover its beauty.
Because even if it’s hard, life is beautiful too. It’s beautiful in it’s hardship and it’s beautiful in its joy.
When you feel that the road was erased
And the star that guided you faded
When you look around and you are alone
And the echoes of the past are your voice
When the air in your lungs becomes heavy
[Music]
And the reflection of your eyes is uncertain
When the floor becomes soft with every…
step
And you feel broken into a thousand pieces
[Music]
You don’t know how much more you can handle
You don’t know what can happen anymore
You just ask destiny
If this is the plan
and this is how it was written
[Music]
Ohh..ohh
Stop and breathe
Ohh..ohh
May life go on
Ohh..ohh
Just breathe
After the storm
There will always be a ray of sunshine
If there’s no pole to hold you to the ground
And the doubts have beaten the certainties
If your hand has not found its twin
And the illusions of your pocket has been broken
If striving is no longer a word in your dictionary
If believing has expired on your calendar
If the magics tank has been left empty
And destiny today seems to be asleep
You don’t know how much more you can handle
You don’t know what can happen anymore
You just ask destiny
If this is the plan and this is how it was written
Ohh..ohh
Stop and breathe
Ohh..ohh
May life go on
Ohh..ohh
Just breathe
After the storm
There will always be a ray of sunshine
[Music]
Hey, Eh Eh [Music]
Just breathe
Hey, Eh Eh
May life go on
Hey, Eh Eh [Music]
Just breathe
You don’t know how much more you can handle
Stop and breathe
You don’t know what can happen anymore
May life go on
You just ask destiny
Just breathe
After the storm
There will always be a ray of sunshine