Last week my husband and I went away on holiday. It was refreshing to get away, see new things, stay somewhere new. I think most of the appeal of holidays is the ‘new’ factor: new roads, new turn offs, new town, new environment. It’s like taking yourself out of your routine slump, and pouring some new-ness over everything so that it shines again.

Who remembers those Choose Your Own Adventure books? Did you read them in the 90s? I know I did. And they were fun! The basic idea was that you, the reader, got to choose which direction you wanted the story to go in, and by flipping to the right pages, you were transported there. Depending on which choices you made, you’d either get eaten by a dragon, chase the bad guys or take the safe route home. For kids, who don’t always get to choose their own destiny, these books were the ultimate escape. And the best part? There was an element of surprise with every turn of the page. But it was surprise without risk. Because they were books, after all.

I had all the right intentions. I packed my iPad, zipped my keys and phone into the front pocket of its case, brought along my cooled water bottle, straight from the freezer, and drove to the beach. It was a familiar drive, one I could do without thinking. I’d come to the same beach, the same turn-off, dozens of time during the Melbourne Lockdowns. I arrived, pulled into one my usual spots, opened my iPad, turned my phone into a hotspot, played my usual writing playlist through Spotify, and…nothing. I literally wrote nothing. Or maybe I typed out a random sentence first, before seeing that my well thought out plan wasn’t going to eventuate. Not today.

When I’m walking under a moonlit sky, just me and the night, and the moon is a perfect sliver hovering above like a guidepost, I’m choosing happiness. And when I remember I’m just a tiny speck in the cosmos of the universe, and feel simultaneously important and insignificant, and the endless night stretches out before me like a web of darkness, I’m choosing happiness then, too. In the times I’m alone, and it’s just me against the world, I’m choosing happiness. And when I wake up to a new day, and the sun is casting shadows on the walls, I’m choosing happiness all over again.